My Experience with the P/Hermission Challenge

So a couple weeks ago I had the joy of participating in a 7-day self-love journey through a group called P/Hermission – brought on by TaboosWelcome  – “A safe space for women to heal, connect and thrive.”

This 7-day journey involved over 500 women from all walks of life, all over the globe, & consisted of 7 days of soul-stirring exercises with a gorgeous daily meditation, all designed to share, heal & bring women closer together in relating to one another on deep levels.

It’s one thing to intellectually understand this premise of “we are not alone.” But actually experiencing it by seeing ourselves in another woman’s story is different. It unites us in ways we will struggle to put into words.

Each day we were given an exercise & encouraged to share our experience with the group & if we felt called to do so, with the public, to truly declare & expose ourselves in the face of fear.

The following is my experience with this amazing project. One of the biggest take-a-ways I discovered was that it’s OK to be vulnerable & put yourself “out there” no matter the fear.

Day 1: Creating a sacred space

Below is my scared space in my home living room. The hutch, a hand-me-down made by a man I’ve never met for his mother who is declining in ability and needed to move, which reminds me of the love children and parents share. On the shelves are the crystals, a collection I cherish that help me tune in to whatever I’m needing in the moment & bring me happiness just looking at them… the oracle decks I use daily to pull a universal message…the photos & art work that bring me joy in memory & remind me of the spirit I want to embody… the salt lamp I’m obsessed with… and the many books I surround myself with, like friends & teachers all in one. 🙏🏻❤

 

Day 2: Getting out of your comfort zone exercise

This was a uncomfortable exercise, in which many women chose to either, not wear make up for the entire day or if they were used to not wearing make up, to glam up/dress up for the day – basically changing the normal of your everyday routine into something completely opposite.

Since I checked in after I got to work this day, I decided to be creative & get uncomfortable in a different way, by posting a blog which included a photo of me & my pregnancy belly 🙂

Blog post & photo – HERE

 

Day 3: “Where does it hurt?” journal prompt

Encouraging us to ask what needs healing in our lives? What hasn’t been resolved? What hurts? This was my journal entry:

“For me it hurts inside. It hurts to feel like my emotions are wrong or unworthy of attention. It hurts because I criticize myself for giving a shit what other people think. It hurts because I feel misjudged, misunderstood & as if I have a sign on my forehead saying “I don’t have a voice.”

Since I was a little girl, I learned to keep my feelings to myself.. to worry about others, that their problems are more important, & I became the person my parents chose to fix their issues. I spent so much of my free time trying to play the judge of who is right or who is wrong & honestly thought it was in my power to fix them, save their relationship.. On my birthday I wished for my mother’s happiness. I thought I was doing the “right” thing, but I was so out of touch with ME. Once I moved away after high school, I was overwhelmed by guilt for leaving them. How would they make it without me? But over the years, I was forced to get to know myself, who I am, who I want to become – it was the best gift I’ve given myself, and the scariest.

Since those days, I still battle with feeling heard, understood & worthy. I still find myself “comfortable” being in the middle of a situation, never truly taking MY side, standing my ground. I hurt because I feel like my power was stripped away from me at a young age and it still haunts me in my current life. I hold my words. I put on a happy face. I pretend. I drift away from people, especially women, for no apparent reason, thinking everyone wants something from me but doesn’t really care. I hate that I still feel like the little girl at times, who shuts her mouth & stuffs her feelings. It hurts when I attempt to speak up but get talked over by others because I’m not sure of myself – but I want to be heard. And this only brings evidence to keep quiet once again. I hurt because I sometimes feel unworthy of sharing anything because who am I to share?

I know ultimately these feelings are just feelings – not true reality of the life I can create. It’s in the action that I truly start to feel my voice is being heard, where I can take a stand & continue this journey to self love and healing. But this is my inner self talk, my inner hurt, that no one usually sees, not even those closest to me. And I thank you all for allowing me this place to share with you. “

Day 4: Turn your pain into beauty exercise

On day four we were encourage to take our “hurt” from exercise 3 and turn it into something beautiful – asking ourselves how we could move through the hurt & see it in a new way…

On this day, I decided to do something I had been thinking about for a long time, but it brought me a lot of anxiety & fear, which was doing my first Facebook Live video on Live Your Capacity Facebook Page! The topic I discussed was “My Why” – why I do the things I do in my daily life to support a healthy lifestyle. I decided to be heard I have to put myself out there so others can here me!  – you can watch the video here.

Day 5: Facing All of You – Mirror exercise

This exercise involved placing yourself infront of a mirror for 15 minutes & being totally present with the reflection, letting all the thoughts, emotions, etc. come up along the way.

For me, I stood infront of my full-lenght bedroom mirror, listening to some meditative background music, setting my timer for 15 minutes.

Here’s what I discovered:

“So much came up during this exercise for me. First off, 15 minutes is a long long time Secondly, I am in awe of my eyes. How incredible to notice their color, shape, they pupil changes dependent on the lighting. Our eyes tell so much of our soul – windows as they have been referred to. ✨ I am pregnant and although my body is most defiantly out of my normal comfort zone, it’s almost easier for me to give my body a pass rather than when I’m not pregnant and can be so hard on how my body looks. I think I’ll do this exercise again after pregnancy to find out how that feels. 😊 Also I purposefully didn’t put on makeup or do my hair – baring my raw self in the mirror – that was the most uncomfortable part about it. I instantly wanted to fix my hair or stop the exercise and get ready for the day and then resume. But I didn’t allow myself to “fix” anything, asking myself “how can I see the beauty as I am right now?” It was a few minutes before I started seeing it: my dark circled eyes I get from my dad, my straight teeth I got from my mom… the pigmentation I have on my forehead that never went away from my first pregnancy… then I noticed other things: the kindness in my eyes and then the strength in them. I saw my white skin give shadow to my veins underneath on my chest – recognizing the energy of life running through my body, providing me and my baby nourishment. I saw my belly button stretched outward, my butterfly tattoo below my belly button expand as my pregnant tummy grows. I felt my baby boys kicking and held my belly. I moved closer to the mirror and held my hands up to it, as if holding my own hands… and it felt like the best friend I’ve always wanted-it’s me.❤ That moment brought tears…

What a gorgeous exercise. What a feeling of appreciation, perspective shifting and most of all acknowledgement – I am here. I am worthy. I am enough. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻”

Day 6:Forgiveness & Gratitude: Thank each body part by placing your hand there and breathing love into it. Take a moment and think about all that that particular part does FOR you in order for you to live the life you live. Thank it, and send love to it; be willing to see a new side of all the beautiful parts of you!

This exercise also encouraged us to see what our “Love Language” is by taking this free test – you can find out your Love Language here.

My findings:

“I realized based on my love language (my preferred was Quality Time, followed by Words of Affirmation) that this is SO what I’ve been needing to give to myself. Initially I thought “I can’t wait to show this to my husband!” Thinking he would understand me more and what I need. Then as time passed I saw that what’s truly shifting, truly important and essential is I actually show up for myself with these love languages as tools to best self love! That is where my needs are rally met, not by someone outside of me but within me! ✨😊❤ Of coarse its fun to share with him, which I’ve yet to do, and I’d love to see his outcome too-always good to learn about one another even after almost a decade of being together. 😉 But the relationship with MYSELF is where it counts and I get that now. Sometimes I use “tough love” to force a workout or beat myself up about not doing something I should, letting myself sit for too long when i should be doing something around the house. I see this sitting, this quiet time with myself is vital quality time I need to give. Now it’s about making that quiet time highlighted towards quality – really checking in and asking my self how I am, what hurts, what can I do to change things, what am I grateful for… etc. Such a beautiful exercise to fine tune how I show up for myself and I’m excited to use it to my advantage 😉 😊❤💕”

Day 7: Share yourself with someone you trust – tell them your learning & discovery throughout this journey

I of coarse shared my experience with my husband, my bestie. But here’s the real share – with you 🙂 I know, I’m a little late in the game, but better late than never & besides, my mantra lately is “I finish everything!” So here I am, sharing with you.

This 7-day journey was more than just a fun band-wagon to join because “everyone else is doing it.” I chose to do it because I knew it would be challenging & bring up fear, things I want to typically avoid, but also things I understand will help me grow as a person, all along while getting over that fear. I knew that the creators Alexi & Melinda were rockstar women who dare to live in vulnerable & passionate ways & that I could learn from them. After watching the 20 some women who took part in this project describe via video their inner most fears & pains, sharing their personal stories & how they’ve overcome them…. I was in-spired! Some women described sexual abuse, having to be strong for everyone else, not fitting in, miscarriage, body hair & breast cancer, to name a few… It’s a beautiful, raw glimpse into sharing our deepest struggles so that we can unite & not feel alone, because we all have something to share based on our individual experiences, even if you feel otherwise.

I encourage you to check out the daring women who share their stories – here.

My experience was shifting in many ways, but here’s the main things I discovered:

• I am not alone. So many others deal with the things I deal with: fear of failure, not feeling heard, not feeling worthy, not feeling enough….
• It’s OK to be vulnerable – No, it’s BEAUTIFUL to be vulnerable. It shows strength, courage & opens the door for others to be vulnerable too. We hold so much inside, stuffing it down… letting it out, knowing it’s all welcome, no matter how bad it is… what a gift of freedom.
• Women are made of extreme LOVE. The support, encouragement, acceptance, unconditional love, sisterhood – it was amazing to give & receive. Bonds don’t only happen in person – it’s all about creating that sacred connection by getting REAL & honest that unites across all parts of the world, regardless of age, situation or status. The united collective relationship we shared in this group was so uplifting. These are the examples I use in creating the life I love, surrounding myself with supportive & strong women who rock!
• I am as I am, & that is beautiful no matter my size, shape, circumstance or thoughts… The good, bad & otherwise is allllll perfect. Acceptance of myself in all my forms, feelings & moods was a huge freedom.
• Self care & attention is medicine for the soul. Taking the 15 minutes a day to complete each exercise created this routine where I put myself first, making sure to dedicate uninterrupted time with ME. When is the last time I sat with myself doing nothing but tuning in to that reflection in the mirror? I can’t remember when! It’s an altering exercise that seems silly, but try it for yourself & you’d be surprised at what may come up for you.
• I can do scary things & still be standing on my two feet. The world will not crumble by putting myself in the fire – so to speak. Facing my fear & doing that scary thing regardless of what fear is whispering in my ear… What a rewarding experience! Doing that Facebook Live was extremely scary for me, but I did it & felt so good afterwards. Taking that action (as small as it may seem) acts as a catalyst for growth in a BIG way.

I’m so happy to have done this journey!!

If you’d like to learn more, please check out the links above & consider working with the creators in a more one-on-one coaching experience that is no doubt life-altering!

Loving the body you’re in…

Well into my second trimester of my second pregnancy, my body is shifting, expanding & changing. If you’ve ever been through the experience of pregnancy, you know the feeling of releasing control over the physical changes that occur & that, honestly, it’s not always as beautiful as most people perceive. I’m sure there are women out there who don’t feel unsettled watching their belly expand, their jeans tighten, feet swell or their stretch marks appear. But if you’re anything like me, pregnancy can be the biggest lesson you’ve ever had.

 

Growing up I was into dance – ballet, tap, jazz – since the age of 3 years old (check out my blog post My Love for Movement). In many ways dance was a gift in my life, a emotional release… a way to express myself through my movements… It was healing & made me feel empowered. In other ways, it was in my teenage years when I began to feel unworthy & not enough… especially in class, where praise was given to those who performed best, who were more skilled – in my eyes, who had it all – and these girls were usually the popular, pretty, perfect-looking girls… Ya know, the ones I would never be, could never be… who were out of my category. It was easy to start comparing myself & the way my body looked to others. By the end of my dance experience in my junior year of high school, the need to fit in was tremendous. I remember one of my last dance competitions & who I was completely humiliated by the owner of the dance company. My boyfriend at the time, my now husband Nick, came to watch for the first time & this of coarse, made me all kinds of nervous. Instead of focusing on getting ready for our jazz routine, I chatted with him backstage until the very last minute, not having enough time to properly pin my hairpiece in. I rushed into my position, the dance started, & I quickly realized my hairpiece was not going to make it through the entire routine. I started focusing my attention on my hairpiece, as if just by thinking about it I would get it to stay put..I was leading part of the routine where the rest of my team followed my lead in line & was so frazzled, I froze. After a second or two (and multiple girls nudging me “what are you doing!”) I got back on track, but it was just then when I made a big quick move, that my hairpiece decided to jump ship, flying across the stage. This may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but in a competition, points are everything & I just cost our team some major points. We wrapped up the routine with our final pose. As I walked off stage, I grabbed the fallen hairpiece & sighed a breath of relief hat it was all over. As soon as I got backstage, the dance company owner (the boss of my teacher) grabbed my arm, pulling me aside & told me how embarrassing I was to the company & that I should be ashamed of myself. I was so shocked I didn’t even say anything to her, just staring blankly… It was that moment I realized I was done dancing (at least for that company) because I was told that making a mistake was not allowed, not accepted & the message was clear that I was judged as a person for not being perfect.

As any young woman can relate to in today’s society, the expectation to be perfect in many ways is extreme & can feel like swimming up a waterfall – impossible to achieve. I took some time off dance, gained a few pounds eating pizza & nachos (thanks to my husband’s nacho obsession). Then started lifting weights & again, became focused on my body as a form of worthiness as I went on to compete in a body building competition (more on that here). After competing, I found myself with a whole new set of tools – healthy meal preparation, a giant amount of workout routines, etc. Basically I now understood so much more how my body adapts & what it takes to mold it into what my goal is, be it muscle building, running long distance, etc. But what I didn’t expect was the same old feelings creeping back again – my body was still not perfect enough. This common “perfection theme” was like a backpack I couldn’t shake off, stuck with me at all times, no matter how hard I tried to change. The hours in the gym didn’t matter. The amount of water I drank didn’t matter. The supplements, money I spent on trainers, programs, meal guides… Did those things help me achieve a goal of transforming my body? Yes, they did. But I quickly learned & now know that body transformation is nothing without the mental transformation. You will never stick to your goals, you will never push past your barriers or your plateaus, if you don’t place value & attention on your thoughts & how you THINK about yourself – Not your body, not your thighs, not your double chin… about YOU as a human being, a soul, a valuable gift to this world. Who are you really? A big question I dare you to ponder.

So back to my current status – preggo round two. You’d think after going through pregnancy before I’d be all “I got this” but guess what? That inner voice, that “perfection theme?” Oh yeah, it still rears it’s ugly head. Even now. Even when I know my belly is expanding not because of skipping a workout, not because of eating a cookie.. because I’m pregnant! Creating a life, a entire ecosystem within that houses a tiny human being who depends on my life force to thrive, grow & be birthed into this world. That is no joke! How incredibly powerful are our minds to trick us into feeling “fat” when we’re pregnant? If you think that’s silly, please laugh away, because I do too! But still we do this crazy thinking all the time. Take a peek into your thoughts & I guarantee you’ll see how many unrealistic, blown out of proportion thoughts swirl around in your brain on a daily basis. We all do it. It’s just part of our makeup, the way our mind operates to try & keep us safe, or some crap like that 😉

The big question? Do you BELIEVE that crazy thought? I don’t.

I see now that I may never shake that “perfection theme” off, throw it off a cliff to perish… I have come to the conclusion that it may just stick with me forever & I’ve come to terms with that. BUT I do have control over how I let it affect me. If I start to believe it, I’m doomed. I self sabotage, feel depressed, get angry at everyone, treat myself poorly – just a plain negative Nancy (So sorry if you’re name is Nancy!) But I’ve chosen to not give into it’s game. I see it, recognize it’s there, laugh at how silly it is & MOVE ON.

The fact is, I’m beautiful. You’re beautiful. Being alive, breathing, heart beating… that is unbelievably gorgeous, lovely, astounding and beautiful. You are certainly a miracle.

So I’ve completed a 60-day challenge (click here for more details) just the other day. Sixty days of self love, compassion & acceptance. I’ve done this challenge in the past, making some awesome physical changes, but this time around, through my pregnancy, I decided to place the goal on my mental state, how I relate to ME – all of me, expanding belly, swollen feet & all. I asked myself so many times, “how can I love myself more today?” “how can I love this part of my journey?” Asking myself those questions, truly sitting with the answers & acting upon them, made all the difference. 

The difference between my first pregnancy & this one is I am consciously working towards fully & completely loving myself in all stages, shapes & feelings. The reason I workout now is not to improve my fitness. It is to workout my mind, to finish something I say I will do, to trust myself, develop that loving relationship with me – building a foundation that is set in trust & forgiveness. That is what my children deserve from me as their mother. That is how I show up fully for them. That is the person I want to be for my husband, so he doesn’t have to feel responsible to make me happy – I earn my happy by doing the consistent conscious action towards it. My first pregnancy so much change was happening that I didn’t experience before, I felt like I lost all control. And that lead to feeling hopeless, like I’d be pregnant forever. (Hello more crazy thoughts!) I am proud to say this pregnancy is full of hope for what’s to come & even with daily work on accepting my whole self as I am, forgiveness & compassion are dear friends I keep these days.

Before (left) and after (right) 

So this challenge didn’t show the typical physical transformation but did yield a healthy baby boy growing bigger everyday 😉 I hesitated taking my after picture because it seemed silly & a bit weird…but in order to truly hold my word to myself I had to complete it full circle. I see it as an example of my willingness to expose my true self, where I’m at now in my life, & also to exclaim the power & beauty of pregnant women all over this world!! Hiding ourselves, feeling ashamed or embarrassed is just a silly crazy thought that we can all laugh at, then move on.

What we are is blessed. What we are is gorgeous. What we are doing is profound & brave & courageous & honoring.

I know this blog post talks mainly of pregnancy, but I also know women all over who deal with body image issues & have struggled with acceptance & forgiveness. Whatever you’re journey is at this particular moment, you are exactly where you need to be to learn the lesson(s) you’ve been presented & forward face with knowledge…Start by talking to yourself as if you’re talking to your best friend, or better yet, a child. No more criticism, no more hurtful thoughts.

It’s time to rise & honor you – every piece of you. Because you deserve to be happy!

All my love,

Janet

❤