Running was not always a thing in my life.
In fact, growing up, it wasn’t even a slight thought.
I loathed gym class & to me, people who sweat were gross.
Fast forward to my college years, majoring in Exercise Physiology. I seemed to need to prove myself TO myself & what better challenge then running! Every so often, as in once every other week, the treadmill became my worst enemy as I tried to run as fast as humanly possible, for as long as I could – Every damn time I ran.
I was the person trying to “outrun” the people on treadmills next to me. Without their awareness, they were in a competition with me, & in my mind, I’d be damned if I were to lose. And I lost often.
Needless to say, my running relationship then was one of pure self torcher. To be a runner to me meant to be quick & to never run out of energy, ever.
What was I thinking? I’m not a robot! Even cars need to refuel every once in a while. Now this notion is so hilarious to me. It’s hard to believe this was my thinking! But everyone starts somewhere.
With my inconsistent training & treadmill competitions under my belt, I wanted a goal, so I convinced my brother to run a race with me in 2008. We signed up for our first half marathon & ran/goofed off the whole race. There were breaks for dancing, singing, bathroom breaks, stretching & making fun of Jarded, the Subway guy. (Why is he here & not running with us? lol)
That race taught me a beautiful lesson.
Since my brother lived in the area, I slept over at his place….
on the floor.
The next morning my body was a mess. I was positive that a train ran me over. Aches, pains & stiffness allllll over. It was miserable. But I thought, “this is what everyone who runs goes through… it’s normal.”
Oh boy, have I learned a lot since then.
Self torcher is NOT the way to run (or do anything you’re new at with the intention of becoming better). You’ll always end up hurting yourself or worse, hurting your inner self…
Thoughts of “I’m not good enough” come up..
even when you try your hardest, you find failure everywhere.
So what did I do?
I kept on running.
After that race, I have completed several more half marathons, a 10K and a couple 5k races. 
I’ve also signed up for a couple half marathons without running them due to injury & lack of preparation (aka: FEAR!), but we live & learn, right?
The point is, I stayed with it. And today, I enjoy a consistent running practice that involves LOVING myself through it, listening to my body, honoring myself & free from self torcher.
Why I love to run now:
These days I am running with a new title – Mother.
And this past June I completed my first half marathon as a mom – something I honestly thought I’d never be able to do once I gave birth.
A week later, my daughter turned one.
Going through my pregnancy, I had every intention of continuing to workout with weight lifting & running, but quickly running became very uncomfortable & weight lifting was exhausting in the third trimester. So I ended up getting my fill of Netflix shows, reading books & taking naps for most days, especially towards the end of the pregnancy.
I’m grateful to learn to embrace my specific journey, not to compare to others who have come before me, to listen to my needs & become a little bit more at ease with change.
Part of that change was physical, but for me, the bigger struggle was mental. Challenging myself physically, such as running, was one of the defining parts of who I was. After I had my daughter, Elliot, I didn’t feel like me anymore, at least not in the way I was used to.
Running was a foreign thing once again.
Thinking of taking a run sounded ridiculous & basically, like pain.
My energy was limited to the daily things. Just taking a walk was enough to drain me.
Lets not forget about the other factors new momma’s face: Lack of sleep, constant worry & planning & forgetting & stressing & overall high mental overload on thinking of all the to-do’s, how-to’s, etc.
Running seemed to be last on my list. Laughable.
Even though, a part of me was wanting to get back there, to see if I could, to prove my inner critical voice wrong – that YES, I can do it.
Even as a new mom.
Even with new obligations.
Even when society paints a picture of how a mom’s life is caring for everyone else but herself.
Even when my inner voice was telling me I’m a failure, I can’t, It’s too hard… Or giving me the pass because “you now have an excuse momma.”
I started out jogging suuuper slow & awkwardly. It was as if I was literally learning to run again. (what do I do with my arms again?) Totally a grandma shuffle & I’m sure I looked crazy out there as the cars passed me by.
But I didn’t care.
I had my beautiful daughter to stare at in front of me, while I pushed her stroller along. THAT was major motivation for me. I often cried (and still do) thinking of how amazing she is, how brave she is, how proud I am of her… And proud of me. I might be doing the grandma shuffle, looking a fool, but I’m DOING IT.
Yes I am. 
Running this June’s half marathon I tied my best finishing time & was able to hug my daughter & husband at the finishing line. It was an emotional run for me, thinking of them waiting for me, knowing where I came from & how far I’ve come after transitioning & transforming throughout this past year.
It was bittersweet.
A couple days later, I signed up for my next half marathon, which I’ll run in a few months time.
You see, it’s bigger than trying to be better than someone else, competiting on the treadmill.
It’s bigger than trying to loose the baby fat & get back into “shape.”
It’s bigger than getting healthy even…
All of those things are great & are major benefits.
But for me, it’s all about doing what FEELS good.
Inner happiness – Breaking barriers – Showing up for myself – Becoming stronger mentally for my daughter, my husband, my family – Connecting with my LIGHT, my truest, best version of who I am.
Loving me. Caring for me. Giving back to me. Filling my cup with self love.
So that I have more to give to others.
So that I show up in the world with less self criticism & more energy to be fully in the moment for myself & others.
So that I rest my head knowing I LIVED fully today, through the fear, through uncomfortable moments & through joy.
We all have a light within us that wants us to do more, push through fear to see what’s on the other side. A piece of us that’s curious to live a different way, go against what our mind tells us we’re limited by.
My advice?
Follow that light. Just keep taking that next step in the uncomfortableness of it all.
And most importantly….
Keep showing up for yourself. Always.
All my love,
~Janet~
live your capacity 